Unplugging Balance

Work has been slow lately for a variety of reasons both economic and personal and I’ve struggled to get used to what I’m realizing is actually work life balance. For the past 10 years, I’ve had jobs where I’d come home from work, eat dinner, and then logon and go right back to work to finish up the bits and pieces that didn’t get done during the day. Sometimes the work would be something my boss needed urgently, but mostly it was things I needed to concentrate on and as most people know work is not a very conducive environment for actually working.

The first few weeks living this way were kind of weird as I left work and then didn’t know what to do with myself as I was used to going home and working for several more hours to try to get the work done. Now, I come home and I can actually have a life. I go for walks with my daughter, read the books I want to read, work on my blog, and work on the prep work for the new business I’m starting.

Part of me feels guilty as if I’m not giving my employer its due because I’m not working 12 or 15 hour days, but the rest of me is breathing deep breaths and enjoying balance. I’m realizing that balance isn’t something most modern day office workers understand anymore. Back in the good old days 15 or 20 years ago, work ended when you left the building because once the door clicked shut behind you, you had no way to access your work.

Modern day “conveniences” have changed all of that and we’re now on call 24 hours a day. Sometimes being on call is boss-enforced, like when an important project is going live over the weekend, but all too often it is self-imposed. I know sometimes I let myself get trapped into thinking that if I don’t answer an email that comes in at 9 pm that the world is going to explode. The last few weeks have taught me that answering that email at 9 pm just perpetuates the 24 /7 work week as we end up playing a game of hot potato with the email because no one wants to be the one to leave it unanswered for more than a few minutes.

My most pathetic and stupid experience came when I was driving 90 miles an hour down the expressway to get to my daddy’s deathbed and I was reading emails on my blackberry as I was driving. How incredibly stupid, self absorbed, and selfish was that? I could have ended up killing myself on my way to visit my parents because I had to answer some dumb email about master data. Is that what anyone would call a meaningful death? I think not.

Although that was the stupidest thing I’ve ever done in the line of work, there’ve been quite a few times when I ducked into the bathroom to check my email during a party, a trip to the zoo, or another family event. I’ve taken conference calls in the car on the way to the museum, answered emails on Christmas day, and a whole host of other things that I’m not real proud of. Looking back, I realize that those electronic excesses had more to do with my own ego and feeling like I had to be a hero than about any real work related reason. If I hadn’t been available, the people on the ground would have made the best decision possible and we would have dealt with the impact when I got back. The world would not have come to the end if I hadn’t answered those calls or emails.

I hate to admit it, but it’s been almost pleasant to not get hundreds of emails a day. I’ve had time to spend time with my family and connect with the people who are really important to me and who’ll be there for me whether or not I answer their emails right away.

I’m learning that balance brings its own kind of bliss as I take time to dig up recipes that take more than 5 minutes to cool, cuddle with the dog, and write about things I want to write about versus what my boss wants me to write about. I’m thinking everyone needs to turn off the crackberry once in a while, put the lid down, and live in the world instead of the little electronic boxes that sometimes rule our world.

Hunting Bliss

Much has been written about women and the thrill of the hunt. The hunter/gather gene has been passed down through the eons from mother to daughter and each new generation has claimed her favorite hunting grounds. In days of yore, the hunting grounds were lush pastures and green vales, but for most modern day women the thrill of the hunt takes them to Niemann, Sax, and even Walmart. Those places hold no appeal for me as they're much like hunting in a petting zoo. All the goods are laid out in front of you and you have your choice of the same style in multitudes of color. I prefer the more difficult quarry to be had in resale shops, second hand stores, and thrift stores. I proudly proclaim that my bounty comes from Goodwill.

This past Saturday, I gathered my weapons (i.e. credit cards) and headed out for the hunt. First stop was the little resale shop by Fantastic Sam's. The store is a clean freak's nightmare as it is packed to the raffles with all kinds of treasures from purses, to games, to high quality clothes. I scored some wonderful candle holders that normally retail for $10 to $15 bucks for less than a dollar a piece and some adorable costume jewelry to dress up my work outfits.

Next stop was Wings, a local resale shop whose profits go to help homeless women and children. I love shopping at Wings because I always find a few nice pieces to compliment those I have at home. This time they were selling brand new Liz Claiborne pants for $3 bucks a pair. Needless to say I bought several pairs as well as a gorgeous red jacket that looks wonderful with the new lace blouse I got at Dress Barn (also on sale).

I have to admit I'm a book worm and all too often I'm guilty of paying $7 for the newest paperback because I'm desperate for something to read. Lucky for me there's an awesome little bookstore called Top Shelf books in Palatine that sells an eclectic mix of books for great prices. Wandering through the store I never know if I'm going to find the latest thriller, a great cookbook, or a good biography to read. Today was no exception and I walked out with a bag full of books that will keep me busy for a good long time.

The Goodwill of my childhood was a dirty, grungy place that we occasionally frequented, but rarely as the clothes were not first quality and the customers were even more questionable. Fortunately for me, the Goodwill of today is more designer boutique than back alley thrift store. Our local Goodwill's pride themselves on having top quality clothing and even brag about the deals their customers score like the time a woman bought a pair of manolo blahnik for $5 bucks. Alas, I didn't find any steals like that on my foray to Goodwill, but I did find some nice blazers and a few blouses. My daughter also bought her entire back to school wardrobe at Goodwill. I don't force her to shop second hand, but she likes it because it makes her money go farther.

My day of retail therapy was done and like most women I had a few regrets about spending more than I had planned, but my regrets added up to $20 and not the hundreds of dollars that some women regret spending. I was also left with a deep feeling of blissful satisfaction at having saved money, helped save the environment by limiting my purchases of new stuff, and helped other people by frequenting stores that give back to those less fortunate. All in all, how much more blissful can it get?

Compassionate Bliss

Unfortunately for the people I love and those around me, I am one of the most impatient people on the planet and I get easily irritated when people take too long, when they disappoint me, or when I’m under stress and just generally in a bad mood. This has always been one of my weaknesses and something I’m trying hard to tame so that I can enjoy smoother relationships with those around me.

One of the most successful techniques I’m using recently is a technique I learned from the book “Ten Zen Seconds.” You find a phrase and slow your breathing down so that as you take a five second deep breath in you say the first part of the phrase and as you exhale you say the second part of the phrase. There are many good phrases in the book and you are encouraged to come up with your own. I tried “I am blissful” for a while, but it didn’t seem to work for me as it seemed too forced as if I was expecting results without doing the work.

The phrase I’ve found that works much better for me in stressful situations and brings me to a deep place of bliss is “I am compassionate.” Every time I find myself getting irritated and out of sorts, I take deep breaths and breathe “I am compassionate.” It is amazing the deep feeling of calm and bliss that encompasses me at this reminder to be compassionate. What I’ve also found is that this forces me to think about the other person’s point of view and see things through their eyes. Once I’ve done that, it’s very hard to go back and feel irritated again.

I was in the resale shop the other day and there are very few clothes available for larger women and there was a woman just standing in front of the one rack that had the clothes I wanted to look at. I tried wandering around the store and coming back, but even after perusing the rest of the store, she was still there and I found myself getting more and more irritated that she was right where I wanted to be. I finally started taking deep breaths and reminding myself that I am compassionate. It took a few minutes before the feeling of compassion sunk in, but then I started realizing that she was in the same place that I was: not being able to fit into “normal size” clothes, not wanting to spend tons of money on clothes, and wanting to look nice. The compassion finally took hold and I was able to smile at her and to feel real compassion.

Compassion is also not something I feel easily when people chatter on and on about things I really don’t care about and unfortunately, my 17 year old daughter often talks about her favorite bands, people at school, and other subjects that I don’t find scintillating. We’ve had a number of blowups lately because I got irritated with her chatter and asked her to be quiet. Being the sensitive sort that she is—and the fact that I probably didn’t ask too nicely—led to her feelings being hurt. I carried the irritation with her and my guilt over hurting her feelings into the next several hours until I remembered to breathe my compassion and as I started my deep breathing I was able to put myself in her shoes and realize that she wasn’t sharing everything with me to irritate me or to annoy me, she genuinely wanted to share what was going on in her life with me and maybe get some advice. Once I realized that, I was able to feel compassion for what I’d once viewed as really irritating behavior.

However, that led to my feeling a lot of guilt and beating myself up over my own feelings of having been less than kind to my daughter. Deep breaths and more compassion helped me to realize that I needed to exercise compassion towards myself as well as others and I was able to take a step back and see that I was feeling stressed out about my job (my company has been undergoing a lot of RIFs), my inability to quickly find a new job, and the feeling that there was always too much month at the end of the paycheck. Once I was able to realize what was really causing my irritation and stress, I was able to show compassion to myself as well.

Compassion is also something you need to feel for those who may have done you wrong. My boss and I are like oil and water and add in the fact that she is a very inexperienced manager who has no skills when it comes to managing overachievers and it is a very combustible situation. It lead to a pretty nasty blowup a few weeks ago, but once the situation had cleared and she set up a meeting to discuss it, I was able to breathe deeply and feel compassion for her and the situation that she is in.

One thing I’ve learned is that feeling compassion doesn’t invalidate my own feelings. I still have the right to be angry, irritated, and to my own opinions. What compassion does is let me see someone else’s point of view and realize that they really aren’t trying to irritate me, they’re trying to express themselves the best way they know how and that sometimes I need to get beyond the words and the behavior that is irritating me and realize that they are people too and that maybe we can find common ground.

So what exactly is compassionate bliss? It is the deep feeling of bliss that comes from exercising compassion for your fellow man. For seeing them as a fellow traveler on the road of life who might need a helping hand or someone to listen. There is a deep sense of satisfaction and bliss from getting out of yourself and becoming part of the larger world.

Raining Bliss

There's something magickal about the rain because even though the physics of rain are always the same--condensation being released from the clouds--rain has many different moods. There is the soft, warm rain of a summer evening that's like a lover's caress; there's the angry, howling rain of thunderstorms, there's the cold rain that chills your very bones, and then there's the soft sprinkle that teases you with a few drops here and there. My mother nicknamed me Rainey when I was little as a derivative of Lorraine and the name fits as I've always loved a good rain.


Snuggling up under a blanket and watching the rain pour down has to be one of the most sublimely comforting experiences in the world. It was raining this morning and I snuggled down into the blankets and listened for a while before the alarm went off. The rhythmic pounding of the rain on the windows sent my mind wandering as I thought about other rainstorms and about the power the weather still has over us in this modern era.


Living on Okinawa, we were subject to the whims of the weather gods and at least three times a year, a typhoon would hit the island and we'd have to batten down the hatches and stay indoors for a few days. I loved typhoons as there was such a sense of wonderment in watching the clouds twist and turn and listening to the rain and the wind. I always felt safe nestled in my little concrete house built to withstand 'phoons. We'd snuggle up on the couch, watch old movies, and listen to the rain and the wind howl around us. When the eye of the storm passed over us, we'd go outside and stand in the deathly still looking up at the clouds and waiting for the storm to start again. The eye of the storm is one of the most magickal places on earth as you're surrounded on all sides by the wild force of nature, yet the one place you're standing is still. I've been outside when the typhoon started up again and all of a sudden the winds whipped from zero degrees to 140 miles per hour and the sheer force of the storm is awe inspiring to feel.


Typhoons aren't the forte of the Midwest, but the flat praries have their own wild weather. We live in an area that is prone to tornadoes and the weather right before a tornado can have its own deathly magick. Several years ago we were living in central Illinois and a hellacious thunderstorm kicked up its heels. I stood outside on the porch and watched the water and wind whip around in a symphony of destruction. My husband tried to pull me in the house, but I was mesmerized by the fireworks of nature. Funnel clouds formed and danced close to the earth before retracting into the clouds. The storm was one of the most destructive of the year, but all I could think about was the wild beauty swirling around me.


Another memorable trip to Asia inspired the plea for bliss that I wrote about in my very first blog entry. Although I'm sure my traveling companions didn't think the day was so magickal, in fact most of them wanted to leave a lot earlier than we did, I thought a day spent touring ancient China in the rain was very magical. There was something wonderous about seeing pagodas and other ancient structures through the haze of rain and the rain inspired us to seek shelter in a tea house along with other folks seeking shelter and there was something cozy about sitting in the dilapated structure watching the rain fall down around us.


Gene Kelly wasn't the only one who liked dancing in the rain. There's something liberating and creative about dancing through the puddles in a warm summer rain. The air feels magickly charged (probably all the negative ions) and with every rain drop, the energy flows through you and you feel alive with all the possibilities the world has to offer.


The world feels so clean and new after a good rain as if it alive with all the possiblities that life has to offer. There is nothing quite so blissful as life after a good rain.

Inspiring Bliss

Heroes are all around us and sometimes inspiration finds us where we least expect it. My son, my mom, and my daughter are all inspiring me to change my life in positive ways right now because they have all taken an honest look at themselves and are doing something to change.

My nineteen year old son is a true inspiration to me because he's realized he has a problem with his weight and he's doing something to change it. Unfortunately for Sean he inherieted my metabolism which means he can look at chocolate and gain weight. However, he realized that he needed to make a change and lose weight so he's been walking the mile from work to the train station every evening and he's been paying attention to what he eats. He goes shopping every week and picks out healthy foods for his lunch. He packs his lunch every day and he's been working really hard at cutting out soda. I don't know if he's actually lost weight yet, but he is looking better and has more energy.

Mom is another hero of mine. Since losing my dad last November, she's started working hard at losing weight and getting in shape. She's been walking two to three miles every day and she's lost about 40 lbs in eight months without doing a lot of dieting. This is especially inspiring because my mom has been heavy my entire life and she's tried everything from hypnosis to stomach stapling to lose weight. I was out at her place last weekend and she showed me some of the hills she walks up and down and I was amazed that she was able to walk as far as she does. She told me that she's making it a priority because now she doesn't have any excuses like someone else to cook for or to take care of so she has made losing weight a priority.

Caitlin has absolutely no weight to lose because she was fortunate and inherieted her dad's metabolism and not mine. She inspires me for a different reason because she's taking saxaphone lessons and she practices every single day for a couple of hours. She started out sounding scratchy and out of tune, but after only a month's worth of lessons she's reached a point where we can understand what she's trying to play and she's working hard to teach herself to play by ear. I'm insipred to invest the time in what I want because I'm seeing the joy that investing in herself has brought Caitlin.

I've noticed that since I've seen the inspirational behavior of my family, that I've been trying hard to emulate their behavior in my own life and to quit making excuses for eating too much or not exercising. Since Sean has started reading labels and trying to make healthier food choices, I've found myself cooking at home more often and trying to make healthy food choices for dinner instead of stopping by the nearest fast food restaurant for dinner. I don't yet have the stamina to walk several miles a day, but I've been trying to be more active and at least take short walks on a regular basis and to park farther away.

These are all small changes and none of them will change the world, but what my heroes have taught me is that it isn't about changing the world, it is about changing yourself.