Enough Bliss

Despite living in the relatively affluent Northwest Suburbs of Chicago, there are still homeless people living in our community. I saw one on my way to work this morning and it got me thinking about the more, more, more culture that we live in. No one ever believes that they have enough money, a big enough house, an expensive enough car. However, we live in a culture where we have more money and more experiences that almost any culture on earth so the facts about what we really have, don't match up with our group perception.

I have to admit that there are days when I believe my life would be perfect if I had a better job, more money, etc. etc. However, as I passed that homeless gentleman this morning, it got me thinking that I really do have enough. My basic needs are met and then some: I have beautiful house that provides shelter, we always have food in the fridge, I have clothes to wear, I have a wonderful family, and a great dog.

Looking at the reality of my life, I realized that I've bought into the culture myth that climbing the corporate ladder and getting a better job with more status is the be all and end all. Unfortunately, that type of success comes at a price because we are all given but one life to live and and time is not an expandable substance so the more time you spend at work, the less time you have to spend on something else. Despite the undeniable truth that more work doesn't equal more happiness, our culture values upper mobility and it seems that people who deliberately choose to step back and pursue balance instead of career success are not always appreciated.

I've been working through the exercises in Waverly Fitzgerald's Slow Time and it has opened my eyes to a different way of living. Every time there is a question about how I will spend my time, I remind myself that this is my only life and I ask myself if this is really the best way for me to spend my life. I remind myself that life is a series of trade offs and the more time that I spend at work, the less time there is to spend taking my kids to cool places or spending time enjoying the great people they've become. More time at work means less time to write. More time at work means less time for the things that are really important to me.

My life has changed a lot since I started asking reminding myself that this is my one and only life. I've started exercising more, seeing a chiropractor to work out the kinks in my back, and spending time cooking real food instead of eating the cardboard junk you buy at the drive through.

There's no way that I could even begin to claim that I'm perfect and there are still days when I'm running late because I got sucked into work, but overall my life is a little more balanced and I'm a lot more blissful. So here's to the bliss of enough.

Green Bliss: Saving Cash and Saving the Planet

The cold hard reality is that we only get one planet and if we use and abuse our planet, we're using and abusing the only home we really have. For too many years, we've treated the earth as if it was one big renewable resource as we wasted gas, wasted paper, and wasted our home. As part of Change.Org's Blog Action Day I've been thinking about what it means to change the world and how we as individuals can help save the planet.

Going Green is simplicity at its finest and one of the lessons I've come to realize in the last few years is that a lot of the things I've been doing because I was broke and didn't have money to live differently are actually pretty green. These include:

• Shopping at Goodwill and other resale shops--We've always shopped at resale shops because we can buy better quality clothes cheaper than the clothes we'd be able to get at WalMart. My daughter is a perfect example of green bargains, she bought her Homecoming dress at Goodwill for $13 and when she got it home she realized it was a Vera Wang that retailed for a whole lot more than she paid. We've always bought second hand clothes, second hand cars, and second hand books because it's what we could afford. However, buying secondhand is incredibly green because you're eliminating the production of something new and you're keeping the landfills from filling up with perfectly good items.


• Living Online--I rarely purchase magazines anymore because all of my favorites post a lot of content online and I can read it for free and keep a magazine out of the landfill. I also bank online and don't get paper statements. That way I'm up to date on my balance at all times and I'm not wasting the paper it would take to print my paper statement. I also pay my bills online and the cash goes from my bank to their bank without any printing of checks or wasting of envelopes.


• Cooking at home--Cooking at home tastes better and is healthier and it's also green because cooking at home means no packaging getting dumped in the landfill.
  
• Digital Photography--We really started realizing how much money digital photography could save when we got photos that our daughter had taken back and realized that we'd just paid for some out of focus photos of her hand. Digital photography lets you view the photos and only pay to print the ones that are really worth printing.


• Repurpose--The first stop for many folks when they want to get organized is their local container store or department store for baskets and boxes to organize their material goods in. I wanted to get organized, but didn't have money for new baskets and boxes so I scoured my house for containers I could repurpose. I found cool glass bottles for spices, a metal tin for my dutched chocolate, and boxes and bins that were half full.


• Using public transportation and walking--One of the biggest lessons my son has learned since living downtown is that driving downtown can be a real pain and it's a heck of a lot less complicated to hop on a bus than to drive around blocks and blocks searching for a parking space. Public transportation is also a lot cheaper than owning and maintaining a car.
  
• Turning off the lights--Excess lights on means more money out of my wallet every month so I try very hard to turn off all the lights when I leave the house in the morning, turn the TV off, and turn the heat down. That way we're not heating and lighting an empty house.

Take some time out of your life to consider how you can save the planet and save yourself some cold, hard, greenbacks.

Momma's Bliss

Today’s my mom’s birthday and it’s the first one she’s celebrated without my dad since she was sixteen years old. As a child, I idolized my dad and didn’t really pay attention to the sacrifices my mom made to make sure we had what we needed and I never really appreciated her until I became a parent myself. As I look at who I am today, I realize that a lot of my strength, my grit, and my backbone, came from my mom and that I wouldn’t be who I am without the lessons I learned at her knee. My mom provided the stability in my life that let me take chances and learn to soar. Here are some of the lessons I learned from my mom:

Support those you love—My mom met my dad when she was 16 years old and he was 27. They got married when she was just 19 and they enjoyed a long and loving life together. I’m always thrilled when I look through the family photos to see the look of love in both of their eyes when they look at each other. My mom supported my dad through thick and thin and she was always there for him. She made trips to see his mamma at the holidays, even when she would have rather stayed home. She made sure my college tuition was paid, even if she had to sacrifice to do so and she made sure I got an extra 20 bucks once in a while to buy pizza with.

Be there for the people that matter—My mom was always there for her family and she made sure my dad showed up too, even when he would have rather stayed home. For their 25th Anniversary, my brother and I held a surprise party for them and, unfortunately, my aunt ruined the surprise by calling my mom the day before to apologize for not being able to make the party. My mom told my dad and he got all cranky and wasn’t going to go because he didn’t want to get dressed up. My mom knew the love and effort that we’d put into the party so she managed to drag him along because she didn’t want to let us down. The funny thing is that once my dad got there and saw all the people that had shown up to show their love and affection, he turned into the life of the party and you never would have known that he had to be dragged to the party.

Don’t diss those you love—I’m sure my parents had their share of ups and downs during their marriage, but I never once remember hearing them fight. It was only when I grew up that my mom shared some of her frustrations with my dad with me.

Make do with what you have—My mom grew up in a poor farm family and she carried the lessons of making do and being creative with what you had with her. We lived in a small two bedroom house when I was growing up and my brother and I had to share a bedroom. My mom rearranged the room so that my brother’s bed was in the closet and my side of the room was partioned off with a dresser. As a kid, that never bothered me and I always felt like I had my own space. Looking back, I view it as just another way that my mom was creative with what she had available to her. And in later years it inspired endless jokes about Tony coming out of the closet.

Be strong—My dad had several heart attacks when I was a child and looking back, I can imagine how terrified my mom must have been at the thought of being left a widow with two small kids. However, she never showed her fear and she always made going to visit dad in the hospital a big adventure. What I remember about those times was not being afraid that dad was going to die, but going to visit him in the cool old-fashioned waiting room at Geneva hospital and eating in the cafeteria at the hospital downtown. Another example of my mother’s strength of character was when my thirteen year-old cousin, her nephew, was killed in a farming accident on her birthday. Despite the heartbreaking anguish I’m sure she was feeling, she managed to stay strong and to explain the situation to my brother and I in terms we could understand and she made sure that we felt safe. I also admired my mother tremendously in my father's last days on earth where she made sure he never saw her crying and where she camped out in a van at the hospital for days at a time so she was close to him.

Respect your elders—From an early age, my mom instilled in my brother and I a respect for our elders. We were taught to call people Sir and Ma’am, to open the door for older people, and to help them however we could. We were also encouraged to learn from our elders and to listen to their experiences to help us shape our own lives.

Experience Life—My mom has always encouraged me to experience life and to take all the opportunities that have come my way. We moved to Okinawa when Sean, her only grandchild at the time, was six months old and I know it had to be difficult for her, but she encouraged me to take the opportunity to enjoy it. She’s always thrilled when I get the opportunity to travel overseas and relishes the photos and trinkets I bring back.

Encourage dreams—Writing is in my blood and my mother has always encouraged me to pursue my dreams of writing. She has autographed copies of both my books, she reads my blog religiously, and she always encourages me to go for it. My mom has also demonstrated her willingness to follow her dreams by taking an art class and getting involved in organizations that are important to her.

Family matters --My mother’s family was dysfunctional to put it kindly. Her grandfather was a nasty old coot who was just plain mean. Her mother could be charming or mean depending upon her mood. However, my mother made sure that we knew who her family was and that we showed them respect. My mother always made sure that we attended family gatherings and that we spent time with our cousins and extended relations on both sides.

Do the Right Thing—My mother always taught me and my brother to do the right thing no matter what. That included being honest if someone had given us too much change and living up to our obligations no matter how difficult. My grandmother lived in a nursing home close to my mom for the last few years of her life and my mom always made sure she was taken care of. Although, there were a lot of times when I questioned my mother’s sanity for taking care of her after how horrible my grandmother had been to her, I admired her devotion. It was only later that my mom told me that she wasn’t taking care of her mother because she felt her mom deserved her devotion, it was because she had promised her father that she’d take care of her mother. As her dad had pointed out, my grandmother was the only mom my mom would ever have.

To your own self be true—This is the most important lesson my mamma ever taught me. She wrote in my autograph book when I was a kid to always remember to be true to myself. I struggle with that sometimes because sometimes my inner red neck comes out to play and I’m coarse and earthy and not the perfectly polished person I’d like to be. However, in my years on the planet, I’ve learned that everyone has a coarse and earthy side, most people are just too afraid of what people will think to let their inner red neck out. I’m not perfect, but you know what? That’s okay. I’m exactly the person I’m supposed to be.

I hope you have a wonderful birthday Mom. Thanks for always being there for us.

BatBliss

My son, my precious "little" batboy, turns 20 today and I cannot begin to express the incredible joy, love, and knowledge that he's brought into my life since the day he was born. The day my Sean was born, he almost died and took me out with him. My husband, who was holding my hand and encouraging me, noticed that his heart rate had dropped dramatically in the space of a minute and once he alerted the nurses, all proverbial hell broke loose.

John was hustled out of the room and left bewildered in the corridor while a team of specialists came in to stabilize me and stop my labor since the stress of labor could have been fatal for Sean. They quickly pulled together a surgical team and rushed us into OR to do a C-section. Once it was all set up, John got to come in and hold my hand while they pulled Sean from my womb. Despite the drama, Sean was pink and perfect and healthy. We found out later that the reason his heart had dropped was that his head was too big to fit through the birth canal. Needless to say, lots of teasing about his big head has ensued every since.

Shortly after birth, or so it seemed, Sean discovered Batman and he never looked back. In the years that followed, there were Batcakes, Batsheets, and we never even had to ask Sean what he wanted to be for Halloween because the answer was always the same: Batman. Sean loves the original, the remake, and every incarnation of Batman in between. Since they "rebooted" or is that "rebatted" the franchise, Sean's been at the first showing of every movie. Having a Batfiend for a child, means that we always know we're safe buying him a Batpresent.

Sean's love of Batman has sparked some interesting conversations about why Batman is better than Superman. Sean's take is that Batman is better because he does it all without super powers. I have to give it to the kid, that's a pretty compelling argument.

I guess I have to give Batman some credit for amazing man my son has become because Batman has taught my son some pretty meaningful life lessons over the past twenty years:

Take care of those you love--Just like Batman takes care of Alfred, Sean does his best to take care of his sister and make sure she's safe. Although Sean spent a lot of time grumbling about it, Sean did a great job of playing chauffeur to his sister in school.

Give back--We're not as rich as Bruce Wayne, so Sean isn't able to give as much as Bruce does, but Sean does his part in giving blood, giving his time, and giving his money to help those less fortunate.

Stand up for what's right--Sean's stood up to protect his sister from bullying and he speaks out against injustice. He's also going to school to be a lawyer so he can speak out for justice.

Overcome adversity--Thankfully Sean never had to overcome the kind of adversity that Bruce Wayne did, but he did grow up poor and he stuttered when he was younger. Sean never left those things get in his way and he kept trying and kept working for the things he wanted. Sean's grown from a kid who stuttered, to an award winning debater.

Give it your all--Sean will be the first to admit that he doesn't give it his all all of the time, but he does keep trying and he goes after things he wants with all of his heart. Sean wanted to be in a play when he was seven and we signed him up and he ended up with a bit part. We thought that like a lot of kids, he'd quickly tire of the small role he had and want to drop out. We were in for a shock, because Sean stuck to it and made it to every practice and every performance even when he was sick.

Never give up--One of the biggest disappointments of Sean's life came when he was turned down for admission into the JSA Summer School Program after his junior year in high school. It was something he wanted with all of his heart. He spent a little bit of time pouting and being upset, but then he decided to buckle down and work hard on his grades so he'd get admitted the next year and he was.

My son could have a lot worse heroes than Batman and all in all, I'm pretty happy with the lessons that Batman has taught my son over the years. Have a great 20th birthday Sean and when you get home, you know there'll be a Batgift waiting for you (and no, it's not the Batmobile).

Love,

Mom

Ordinary Bliss

I turned down a great opportunity today in the interest of balance. I was up for an integration manager position at a huge and well known company. It would have been a decent bump in pay, the work would have been interesting, and I would have been challenged. It also would have meant traveling and living out of a suitcase three to four days a week for the next six months and a twice daily commute of 45 minutes to an hour.

Two years ago, I would have jumped at the chance. I would have told myself that the travel was only temporary and that I could suck it up and do it for six months. I would have put a positive spin on the 45 minute commute by telling myself that I could listen to books on tape and make it educational. I would have told myself that if I left work at 4:30, I'd make it home by 5:30 and still have all evening. However, I've been around the block enough to know that those are all lies. The travel would have ended up being longer than six months because after project A, project B would have come along and I'd have kept traveling. I rarely leave work on time so I would have ended up getting home at 6 or later ever night.

This is my life and it is the only one I get so six MORE months spent living out of a suitcase, is six more months I don't get to be home and enjoy my family. Six months more months I'm eating out most nights. Six months more that I'm so tired and stressed out when I do get home that all I want to do is sleep. Six more months of not having a routine at home. Six more months of missing out on getting into an exercise routine. Six more wasted months of my life.

It's only been in the last three months that I've started to feel like I have balance in my life and that work isn't taking over every aspect of my life. I've started leaving work on time, not working at home, and spending time doing things that are important to me. I've been taking my daughter out to sushi almost once a week, I've been going downtown to have dinner with my son several times a month. I'm still working on spending more time with hubby, but I'll get there.

I've been writing again, both on my blog and working on a book. I've started walking several times a week and I cook dinner most nights instead of eating out or grabbing fast food because I'm too tired to cook. I've even started enjoying cleaning house. In short, I'm appreciating the sacred and the beautiful in the every day and I'm not ready to throw my life out of balance again for a job.

My job isn't perfect, but it's five minutes from my house and the proximity lets me have a real life instead of a life that's all wrapped up in work and getting ahead. My goal is to be able to work for myself one day and right now I have time to work on that dream as I have time to spend writing and putting proposals together.

Maybe this means I'm finally growing up and realizing that all the glitz, the glamour, and the money isn't worth it if deep down you're not living a life of balance and bliss.