Accepting Bliss

I have to admit, I had a bit of a pity party yesterday as I wondered what my life was really worth. I have a demanding high stress job that pays the bills, but doesn't always leave me enough time to do what I want to do in my life. My confidence has also taken a bit of a hit lately as I've realized there are people who don't think I'm as wonderful as I think I am.

Okay, that sounded really really arrogant, but the people who really and truly know me know that deep inside I'm really a scared little girl begging for attention who doesn't always find herself worthy. My boss terms it a lack of confidence and teases me that the person who wrote a self help book doesn't know how to find her own confidence. My head knows I'm usually right, but my heart doesn't always believe it. And deep down inside, I feel like I'm a fraud and that sooner or later I'll be exposed.

Like most kids who were different (smarter, funnier, etc.) growing up, I was bullied and picked on for being who I was. The kids at the bus stop called me "Gory Lori" and that hurt a lot. There was also one little girl who threw rocks at me on the way home from school. I was never sure why they abused me and I never told my parents because instinctively I knew that telling would only make it worse. Telling would give them a reason to hate me more. Instead, I hid my pain and it's festered inside for a long long time and every time I think about standing out, that scared little girl inside comes out and I wonder if I'm opening myself up to more abuse.

I didn't fit in at college either because I was too intense for a lot of people to handle. I wanted so badly to have friends and to fit in that I was was open and warm and friendly when I first go to campus and that attitude made people think I was easy. Fortunately, a few very kind upper classmen took me under their wings and helped me make the transition from high school to college.

The funny thing is that people who knew me in high school and college thought I was a stuck up, uptight bitch. I've heard from more than one person that they thought about coming up and talking to me, but that I walked around with my nose in the air as if I was better than anyone else. That's not exactly how I remember high school. When I think about high school, I think about walking around trying very hard not to be noticed and abused.

I look back at the life I've lived over the past 40 some years and I'm amazed at how far that scared little girl has come. I've written three books, three screenplays, and countless articles and blog entries. I've traveled to Europe and Asia. I lived in Japan for three years, I've sustained a 21 year marriage, and I've raised two incredible children. Putting it on paper, it all sounds incredible, but deep inside that scared little girl still doesn't think she's worthy despite all those accomplishments.

All I know is that I have to change and accept who I am. It's always been easy for me to accept the negative as it validates the schoolyard taunts, but I need to find out how to accept the good stuff and when I can do that I'll be in a better place.